Sunday, May 23, 2010


For the past little while I have been thinking....about so many things its almost paralyzing...I am not sure if it is that I feel so lost and unmotivated or is I am just in a slump.

I seem to have lost my passion....for anything. I am sure that a lot of people my age feel this way, but it is so frustrating! I hate the feel of been lost and alone. and so it seems I just continue on and either subconsciously but those feeling on the back burner instead of dealing with them....Than when they arise again I not only feel lost and alone but guilty for not dealing with it and now ultimately wasted time....Blah!

The weird this is that nothing is really standing in my way, except myself! There is no reason that I can think of as to why I am not running...I loved running and I am sad that I stopped after my first half. I keep giving myself excuses and talking myself out of time...not prepared (equipment) don't know the area...all are excuses that I already know how to fix, but don't seem to get on it! I am going to give myself a small test to run 3 times this week....nothing extravagant, but to just get out there and run at least 5 K, hoping this will spark my love for running.

I am also wondering what I want out of life, It seems that everyone around my is so wrapped up in work and studies that nothing will satisfy them...everyone just keeps working to get ahead and then even before they achieve that goal they have already made new ones and forget to enjoy the current achievements....then before they know it they are too old to enjoy....I am in search of my purpose...

Its a scary thought not knowing where you belong and how you fit into the bigger picture! I have been working behind a desk for so long...and I do enjoy the office setting, but I also want to do something that is physically demanding or at least I am not sitting for 8 hours a day, and I am sure everything can do without the office politics! I do love bookkeeping, and still hope to do that but maybe part time...I just done know! I am always interested in helping others and thought I could help others on their journey to healthy living...but then become discouraged in my own physical downfalls of unmotivation...but then I get thinking that everyone has doubts and set backs...and If I can learn from mine and then use that knowledge to help others :)

I think right now its so hard to get anything started...We seem to be waiting and waiting...Our plan on hold due to an unfortunate situation...I am confident that once we leave this little town we will revel in our new adventure and find our ultimate location...Like Michael always tells me...I am reading too much into everything...but how do you turn that off? If you have always done it...

I am not even sure if I am cut out to be a blogger...I am doing it today in hopes that writing will lead me to find some sort of inner light. I think it has been too long since my last cry....perhaps I will watch a sad movie to get the release going...

I know this is all over the place, but that is how I roll I guess :)

Well that is it for now...I will post my eats later...

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